those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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