if i can run in heels then i can drive
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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