dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
