I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
