is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need a burrito and a hug.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
