There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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