why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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