Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
