I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
