shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
