the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You're a waste of cheezeits
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
