is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
