spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
