the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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