i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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