After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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