At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
