I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
