the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
