Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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