I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
