Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
