mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
