Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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