I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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