how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
