I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
