I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
