no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
