I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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