got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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