the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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