The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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