I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
