Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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