Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
