I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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