I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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