If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
