At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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