My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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