direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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