I like my sex mixed with concussions.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
