I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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