This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
