umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dicks are not precious.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
