i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
