pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
