the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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