Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
