He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she smelled like a LAN party
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
