i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
